God's word to the single (1Cor 7:8-9)

But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1Cor 7:8-9)

Having laid out some principles about marriage and singleness, Paul now moves on to give more concrete advice, first to the unmarried and then to the married. We'll deal with the unmarried today, and move on to those who are married on Wednesday, Lord willing.

To the unmarried and to widows he says it is good for them to remain single. We talked a little about why last time, and we’ll talk more about it later. If you are single you don’t have to worry about all the things that married people worry about. You have fewer responsibilities, and more time to devote to serving God.

If I may be so bold, I want to point out one thing that Paul doesn’t touch on here, and that is that while some are called to be single and some are called to be married, all of us are called to be single in seasons of our lives. Even if you know you are ultimately called to marriage, you still have to be single until you get married. And since it is the exception that spouses die at the same time, there’s a good chance that you will go through another unmarried season as a widow or widower.

So if you are called to marriage, you are still called to seasons of singleness as well. And if you are in one of those seasons, in spite of your gifting and calling, God has a plan and purpose for that. A lot of us, myself included, wasted many of the extra opportunities that season brought by focusing too much on making it end.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting the single season to end, because along with unique opportunities it brings unique temptations. It is better to marry than to burn with passion. Marriage is a high calling, bu it is not your primary calling. Your primary purpose is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. Marriage is one way to do that. While you’re waiting to get there, you can still glorify God and enjoy him in other ways. If you can’t glorify God as a single person, you can’t glorify him as a married person. If marriage is the primary purpose of your existence, then God isn’t It’s as simple as that.

Marriage or singleness - What's best? (1 Cor 7:6-7)

But this I say by way of concession, not of command. Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. (1 Cor 7:6-7)

A concession means that an exception is made to the general rule. An accommodation made necessary by extraordinary circumstances. The rule that the exception is made to is the one we see in verse 2: Each man is to have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

Of course when a single man like Paul says that every man should have his own wife, it’s natural to ask why he doesn’t have one himself. If singleness is not spiritually superior to marriage, then why doesn’t he, as their spiritual father, take a wife.

Paul deals with this question with tremendous wisdom. He says he wishes everybody was like him; single and satisfied living his life in celibacy. But he also recognises that that his ability to be satisfied without a wife is a special gift from the Lord that not everybody has. From his vantage point he sees many advantages to being single. In stead of focusing on a wife and children he is able to devote his life totally and completely to Christ in ways that no married man can do. He is able to travel the world, to dangerous places where Christians are persecuted for Christ’s sake. All his time and energy can be put into proclaiming the Gospel.

It is important for us not to miss the last sentence in verse 7, though. Each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. Like the Corinthians we’re inclined to ask the question “What is best?” The answer is that what is best depends on your calling and gifting.

If you are going to travel like Paul to preach the gospel in places where it’s likely that you and your family will face severe persecution, and in addition God has gifted you in a way that allows you to be satisfied as a single man without facing any great temptations because of it, then it is probably best for you to remain single, in the same way that it was best for Paul to be single.

However, if God has called you to be a husband and a father, or a wife and mother, then it’s probably best for you to marry.

As we go through the rest of this chapter over the next weeks, that will be a reoccurring theme. How you apply this chapter to your life depends on your particular calling and gifting. We don’t get absolute answers. Just the right questions to ask, so that we can find the right answer for ourselves in our unique situations.

Porn and lentil stew

No one really believes in the popular rationalization that porn is a victim-less crime. But few understand the full cost of it in their own lives and the lives of those they love the most. At least until it's too late.

I'd like to address especially the single men today, for two reasons. First of all they need it the most. A man is never as vulnerable to this temptation as when he is young, inexperienced, burning with passion and yet without any legitimate outlet for it. Secondly, because they have the least resources available. Most men who write about this are married men, writing to other married men. And their solution, of directing their passions toward their wives seems very unhelpful to someone who doesn't have one.

What I'd like to get across to you is this: Watching porn is like selling your birthright for a mouthful of lentil stew. You're trading in one of Gods most valuable gifts to you for something essentially worthless. Read this passage with me, from Genesis:

When Jacob had cooked stew, Esau came in from the field and he was famished; and Esau said to Jacob, “Please let me have a swallow of that red stuff there, for I am famished.” Therefore his name was called Edom. But Jacob said, “First sell me your birthright.” Esau said, “Behold, I am about to die; so of what use then is the birthright to me?” And Jacob said, “First swear to me”; so he swore to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob. Then Jacob gave Esau bread and lentil stew; and he ate and drank, and rose and went on his way. Thus Esau despised his birthright. (Gen 25:29-34)

Esau was a game hunter. A man with a taste for red meat. But he was hungry. So hungry that even lentil stew looked good to him. I believe many of you reading this would be able to identify with this. you're the kind of man who has an appetite for what God originally created sex to be. Yet somewhere along the way you became so famished that even the pathetic pictures that perverted pornographers throw after you start to entice you.

Your hunger is as real as Esau's. I understand your temptation. Now I want you to understand this: That the satisfaction porn offers lasts no longer than it would take Esau to get hungry again, and the price you pay for it is as high as the one he paid.

What is the price exactly? First of all, porn is as addictive as any narcotic. You'll want it more, and find less satisfaction in it for every time. You essentially sell yourself into a lifetime of slavery. Secondly, it will warp your view of sex, and leave you unable to find satisfaction in the real thing as well. As a single man hoping to get married, you need to be aware that the future pleasures God has reserved for you to enjoy together with your wife are what you give in exchange for that mouthful of stew.

If you lend Satan your eyes, and let him train you to find pleasure in perversions, it won't take long before sex the way God intended it seems boring to you. When you do get married you'll quickly find yourself dissatisfied with your wife, because somewhere along the way your appetites switched. And you're no longer longing for sex and trying to substitute it with porn. You're longing for porn and trying to substitute it with sex.

Not only have you traded in your satisfaction in marriage, but also your future wife's satisfaction. You will deprive her of the deep intimacy she needs and desires, seeking to play out your own pornographic fantasies. And it still won't satisfy, because sex really isn't very much like porn at all. Porn actors are just that. Actors. They act as if what they do is pleasurable, while in real life most of it it's usually uncomfortable or straight-out painful.

Easu's choice had repercussions for his children and his children's children until this very day. Had he not given up his birthright, they - instead of Israel - would have been the nation through whom God manifested his power in the old covenant. With the click of a mouse you can deprive your future children of a happy, harmonious home, and lead them on a path of destruction. Because, make no mistake about it, apart from divine intervention they will follow.

Don't go down that path! When Jesus said it's better to gauge out your eyes, he wasn't kidding. Yes, the hunger to love and be loved in that special way is real. But like all the best things in life, you have to wait for it. And you can. Do not believe the devil when he says it's impossible, and tells you you can't take it any longer. Believe that "no temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." (1.Cor 10:13)

Hold on to that, until God again grants you a moment of sanity and clarity of mind,and renews your strength before the next battle.

A psalm for the psingle

Yes, I know how to spell single, but i felt like I needed another P there... Well anyways, a year ago, I was 25, single, lonely, without prospects of finding someone to share my life with. I had been obedient to the best of my knowledge and ability, and done things Gods way, but it didn't seem to bear any fruit. To the contrary, things seemed to go better for those who were disobedient.

Maybe you are in the same situation. You have prayed, done your very best, but time is passing and your friends are getting married and staring families one by one. The ungodly seem to be making progress, while the righteous are put to shame.

You are not the first one to think like that. I wasn't either. Probably even King David wasn't first, but he's the one who has articulated it best. Granted he's not writing in the context of having a hard time finding a wife, but the principle is still the same.Ungodliness might appear to yield the best return, but only short term. God will reward your faithfulness if you remain steadfast in him and do what is right. Hear David out:

Do not fret because of evildoers,
Be not envious toward wrongdoers.
For they will wither quickly like the grass
And fade like the green herb.
Trust in the LORD and do good;
Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light
And your judgment as the noonday.
Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him;
Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes.
Cease from anger and forsake wrath;
Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing. 

Trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. He will not fail you. More than that: Rejoice in him! Understand that true joy is only found in him. Let your heart desire his way. When I experienced various temptations, I could not give in to them, because there was something I desired more. My goal was a marriage according to Gods will. And I knew no shortcuts would take me there. And that by trying such a shortcut I would in fact take my eyes off the goal and loose it.

God's will for you is good. When your heart desires Gods ways, your desire converges with what God desires most of all to give you. Commit your way to the Lord; obey his commands, down to the smallest detail. By doing that you walk the way that he has marked out for you. The way that leads to what your heart desires: His will.

Is all hope gone? It seemed like it for me this time last year. But we serve a sovereign God. And in a small church in Wisconsin there was a young woman thinking in similar terms. We knew each other a bit already, and knew we had many goals and desires in common. But because of the minor detail of the Atlantic ocean separating us, neither of us had thought anything would happen between us. But when I was going to a conference in Atlanta, her family invited me to visit them and drive down there together with them. we started talking more, and June 18. 2009 an email landed in her fathers inbox where I expressed my interest for her (I'll write more about that later). September 3. we got engaged, and on November 21. 2009, and the rest is, as they say, history. History that confirms that God is faithful.