5 ways to sweep challenging Bible verses under the rug

Every now and then when we read our Bibles, we'll come across verses that we don't want to deal with. Either because it would cause us some imposition, or might cause conflict with the predominant worldview. So for the purpose of making  their own life easier and shying away from potential confrontations, innovative Christians have devised methods to make it as though those parts of God's infallible revelation never existed.

I arranged it in a list format because you have a short attention span and are more likely to click on something and read it if it's enumerated. I can write that because I know you'll probably skip this paragraph anyway to get to the list faster.


1. Make history
The events in the Bible took place a long time ago, and as the nice folks who made up evolution knows, you can make people believe almost anything if it was a really, really long time ago. So go ahead. Use your imagination, and make up some historical context that would explain away your difficult verse. Even if some discerning soul tried, it would be nearly impossible for them to gather enough historical evidence to disprove any claim you may have made. You'll find that almost no one will even want to challenge you, but welcome your explanation and start spreading it to sound smart.

Example: 1. Cor 14 says women should remain silent in church. But that's just because in Corinth the women would sit on one side of the church and shout questions about the sermon to their husbands on the other side, not realizing that it might be disruptive to the service until Paul wrote that to them.

No one will buy it you say? Actually that is a real example of made up history making it's rounds in a church near you as you read it. Get the drift? Let's go on.

2. Spiritual interpretation
If you don't like what the verse actually says, how about trying to replace the actual meaning of it with some symbolic interpretation. If someone challenges you on it, say that the reason they can't see it is because they're not as spiritual as you. After all your interpretation is a spiritual one, while theirs is just literal (practice saying the word "literal" with contempt in your voice). This will discourage any further inquiry into the matter.

Example: Someone recently wrote to me that divorce was not a sin, because marriage is symbolic of Christ and the church (that part is true), and thus that command only applied to the relationship between Christ and the church, and not actual marriage. (What puzzles me about that is I don't think this man would hold to the doctrine of the perseverance of the saints either. But since he clearly was not being rational I did not pursue that glaring contradiction any further.)

3. Inferences trump everything
If you keep reading verse after verse explicitly contradicting a doctrine that you want to perpetuate, how about trying a different path? Make an inference, or better yet, a series of inferences from ambiguous texts, leading to the conclusion that your doctrine is correct. I have to warn you that it will require a lot of work, but the payoff is great. You get to spread false doctrine, while at the same sounding knowledgeable and educated.

Example: Yes, there's a lot of verses that say homosexuality is a sin. But David and Jonathan were sure good buddies. From that I infer that they were gay, and based on that I further infer that God must be okay with homosexuality.

4. Make exceptions
Every once in a while you might find yourself in a situation that our all-knowing God didn't really think of before he wrote his commands. That's when you make an exception for yourself in your special situation. This allows you to feel better about your own sin, while at the same time allowing you to self-righteously judge others who sin.

Example: No sex before marriage? Well except if you really love them, and you really think this will be the person you marry some day.

5. Put an expiration date on it
This is a good one, because there are commands actual commands in the Bible that are legitimately  limited to a certain covenant and time (for example the commands about sacrifices and ritual cleanliness). So who would notice if you added a little bit to that system?

Example: Everything Jesus said before his death and resurrection (or better yet - before the day of Pentecost) was under the old covenant, so it must be discarded. At least most of it. We can keep the don't judge thing.

Alright. Hope you all got some new and fresh ideas for how to twist scripture. Have fun, and remember to always have a grownup help you if you try to do any of this at home.